The Accountants, Webisode 03 “Meredith”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Angela: So, is there anything you want to tell us about? Accounting-wise?
Meredith: Gosh, I don’t think so.

Oscar: We’re trying to find out who stole money from the company.

Angela: It’s better to be embarrassed by the truth now, then to go to jail for it later.
Kevin: Why don’t we just ask her if she took the $3,000?
Angela: Idiot. Now we don’t have the element of surprise. It’s impossible to trap her, and we won’t be able to register the look on her face when we ask her if she stole $3,000.
Meredith: You think I stole $3,000?
Angela: Oh, we know you did… or someone else did.
Oscar: Did you use any company money for anything? We’re just trying to balance the books.
Meredith: Please. If I stole $3,000, I wouldn’t be here. I’d be on a beach in Jamaica drinking Red Stripe.
Kevin: Oh, I love Red Stripe.
Oscar: I do, too. That’s Jamaican beer?
Meredith: Yeah. We should go out and get a beer after work. Or, hey, you want to go right now?
Oscar: It’s 11:15.
Meredith: Yeah. So, that’s too early?
Angela: You didn’t take any money at all? You’re sure?
Meredith: Yes. I’m a single mom. I would never do anything to jeopardize my kid.
Oscar: I thought you had two kids.
Meredith: My ex-husband took Wendy, the good one.
Oscar: Okay. Thanks for your time.
Meredith: Sure.
Kevin: Thanks, Meredith.
Meredith: You guys want to get that beer?

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The Accountants, Webisode 09 “Michael’s Office”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Kevin: [in megaphone] Attention! There is a lot of junk in here! Over!
Angela: Don’t touch anything. You’ll leave fingerprints.
Oscar: You think he’s gonna dust for fingerprints?
Angela: [Kevin blowing train whistle] Stop that.
Kevin: Awesome.
Oscar: What are we even looking for?
Angela: Receipts maybe. Any evidence he took the money. Or something worth $3,000.
Kevin: Do you think this thing is worth $3,000? It’s cool.
Oscar: Check this out. “Michael Scott is the proud owner of a quality Seyko timepiece.” You think he paid $3,000 for a knock-off of a $40 watch?
Angela: I’m gonna go on his computer.
Kevin: Okay, this drawer is locked. Oscar, do you have a key?
Oscar: No, Kevin, I don’t. If I were Michael, where would I hide a key to that drawer? In this drawer. One, two, three, six, nine. Count them. Nine snow globes with Dunder Mifflin logos on them and nothing else.
Kevin: He has a snow-globe drawer.
Oscar: And he keeps it locked.
Kevin: I’d lock it, too. That is very embarrassing.
Angela: Put it back, Kevin. It’s not yours.
Kevin: I like it.
Oscar: Okay, just go to Quicken, ’cause I setup online checking for him.
Angela: Okay, here we go. Last transaction was $23 to Jack’s Joke and Magic Shop.
Kevin: No.
Oscar: Go to the beginning of the month.
Angela: Last eight transactions are to Jack’s Joke and Magic Shop. [sighs]
Kevin: But what are you doing?
Angela: Paying his electric bill.
Kevin: I do not think you should do that.
Angela: Well, it’s about to be shut off.
Oscar: Okay. This is pointless. Someone just has to talk to him.
Kevin and Oscar: [in unison] Not it.
Angela: Hey, wait. [train whistle blowing] Not it.

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The Accountants, Webisode 08 “You’re Mean”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Kevin: He is still in there.
Angela: Yeah, we know.

Oscar: Basically, we’re convinced that Michael took the missing $3,000, so we’re waiting until he leaves his office so we can go in and search for evidence. When I say it out loud, it really doesn’t seem like a good idea.

Oscar: He said he was leaving right at 5:00.
Kevin: What time is it now?
Angela: You don’t have a watch?
Kevin: It’s slow.
Angela: You can’t look at the clock up there?
Kevin: Well, you can’t just tell me what time it is?
Angela: I think people should be self-sufficient.
Kevin: I think you’re mean.
Oscar: Okay, guys, let’s just wait for him to leave.
Kevin: What are you doing tonight? Wanna get a beer?
Oscar: I can’t. I have errands to run.
Kevin: What are you doing?
Oscar: I’m going to the mall. I need a new wok. Just stuff like that.
Kevin: What happened to your old wok?
Oscar: Nothing. Nothing. I just want a new wok, there’s a new one…
Angela: You know, I’m not mean. I’m just demanding. I’m sorry if I was mean.
Kevin: It’s okay.
Angela: Thank you.

Oscar: That was uncomfortable.

Oscar: Angela, Angela.
Kevin: Shh, shh.
Angela: Okay, let’s go.
Kevin: This is so much fun.
Angela: It’s not supposed to be fun. …Again, sorry.
Kevin: [imitating Animal House’s Bluto] Get it?
Oscar: What is it?
Kevin: Animal House. You guys are breaking my spirit.

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The Accountants, Webisode 01 “The Books Don’t Balance”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Jan: Okay. So what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?
Oscar: Well, we’ve been trying to balance the books for a week now, and for some reason, they’re not balancing.
Jan: I’m sorry?
Angela: There’s about $3,000 missing, and we’re trying to figure out where it went.
Jan: Well, it’s probably just some accounting error.
Angela: It is not an accounting error.
Jan: Well, it could be…
Angela: It is not an accounting error. Well, it’s not my accounting error.

Kevin: This is the first I’ve heard of it. They never tell me anything. I like it that way.

Jan: Obviously we do need to find it quickly to ensure that it’s not a criminal action.
Kevin: Absolutely, Jan.
Jan: But… I guess that’s it. So, call me when you have news. Okay?
Oscar: Okay.
Angela: Michael said to stop by on your way out. [door bangs]

Oscar: I’m pretty sure Michael’s involved because every other time there’s been money missing from the office, it’s always been Michael. Except, he’s usually really obvious. Like, he’ll say he spent $50 on a lunch with a client, and he’ll submit a receipt from J. Crew.

Angela: Are we absolutely sure it’s not an accounting error?
Oscar: I went over my books three times.
Angela: Me, too.
Kevin: Has anyone in the office bought anything nice recently?
Angela: That’s a very nice watch, Oscar.
Oscar: Yes, it is. My grandfather left it to me when he died.
Angela: I’ve never seen it before. He must have died very recently.
Oscar: Yes, he did, actually. About three weeks ago.

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The Accountants, Webisode 04 “Stanley”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Stanley: Somebody stole some money. That is fantastic. How much did they get?
Kevin: $3,000.

Kevin: We’re in the process of interviewing everyone in the office. I think it’s kind of fun. It’s a great chance to catch up with people.

Oscar: I’m sure it’s not you, but we have to ask.
Stanley: I hope they bought something nice, and I hope you never catch them.
Angela: We’d appreciate your cooperation if you find out who did it.
Stanley: I’ll tell you what, if I find out who did it, I will shake their hand, pat them on the back, give them 72 hours to get out of the country, and then I’ll let you know who it is. Is there anything else?
Oscar: No. Okay. Thanks for your help.
Stanley: Thank you.
Kevin: I don’t think it was him.
Angela: Really, genius?

Kevin: Angela thinks it’s an insult when she calls me a genius, all sarcastic and whatnot, but technically, guess what? I am a genius. When I was a kid, I took an IQ test and I scored over 100. So, joke is on you, Angela.

Angela: [sighs] All right. Who should we ask next?
Kevin: I don’t know.
Oscar: You know, my mom picks the worst times to visit.
Kevin: Why? What’s going on?
Oscar: Well, my mom’s in town, but a bunch of my friends are in town, too, and we were going to go watch The Prince of Tides.
Kevin: Why?
Oscar: Well, we don’t like it. We make fun of it. It’s like a Rocky Horror Picture thing we do.
Kevin: All right.
Oscar: But, my mom’s in town, so I can’t go.
Angela: Can we focus, please?
Kevin: I’ve never seen it.
Oscar: Kevin, it’s really bad.

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The Accountants, Webisode 06 “The Memo”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Oscar: So, it isn’t Phyllis, it isn’t Stanley or Jim, it isn’t Meredith, it isn’t any of us.
Angela: We don’t know that.
Kevin: Oh, come on.

Kevin: I didn’t steal $3,000 from petty cash. I am not stupid. If I wanted to steal from this company, there are a lot of easier ways to do it. For example, I could seal people’s coats and sell them on eBay.

Angela: It obviously isn’t Dwight because he has the most integrity of anyone in the office. [both Oscar and Kevin glance over to the camera] What? Did you talk to Kelly?
Oscar: Yes. She said she didn’t do it, then 45 minutes later the conversation ended.
Kevin: I talked to Creed, and he said he didn’t do it. And then he tried to sell me dietary supplements.
Oscar: Okay, enough of this investigation stuff. We just have to put a memo to the office and ask that someone come forward anonymously.
Angela: Fine. I’ll write it.
Kevin: No, I wanna write it.
Angela: No.
Kevin: No. Angela, you never let me write accounting memos.
Angela: Fine. I’ll supervise.
Kevin: Yeah. [Oscar bumps into Kevin as they leave the conference room] God.

Angela: The date should be right-justified. [keys pounding] Right-justified, not left-justified. Do you know what “justified” means?
Kevin: Yeah, as in “justifiable homicide.”
Angela: “To whom it may concern?” Really, Kevin? Really?
Kevin: Fine, then you write it.
Angela: Thank you, it’s just easier this way.

Kevin: I finished my own memo. [The memo reads: “Tuesday To Whom it May Concern: ANGELA STINKS. Kevin Malone, Accounting”] Angela stinks. I mean, I’m not handing it out or anything. And don’t tell her I said it. It’s just for me. In fact, forget that I said anything about it, ever. Oh, God. What have I done? [groans]

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The Accountants, Webisode 10 “The Best Day of My Life”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Dwight: You’re saying Michael stole money from his own company?
Angela: Well, we’ve asked everyone else.
Dwight: No! No, that’s insane. It has to be somebody else. Like Meredith. Or Creed. No. Meredith, definitely.
Angela: We asked her. She said she didn’t do it.
Dwight: Which is exactly what you’d say if you did do it. Oh, man! I should’ve been handling this investigation from the beginning.
Angela: I believe she didn’t do it. Are you doubting me?
Dwight: No.

Kevin: And here.
Oscar: Oh, my God.

Dwight: There has to be a better explanation.
Angela: How did he afford that new waterbed he’s always bragging about?
Dwight: He charged it. Discover. Made a little cash back on the deal. Smart. If he were a general in the Army, and you accused him without proof, you would be court-martialed in front of a firing squad.
Angela: That’s not true.
Dwight: Okay, watch “A Few Good Men” and tell me that that’s not true. I own it on DVD if you wanna come by later. “You can’t handle the truth.” Just kidding, you can.

Angela: Well, Dwight says that Michael didn’t take it, but frankly, I think he’s hiding something. [clears throat] What?
Oscar: We, uh… We found it.
Angela: You did? Where?
Oscar: In your books.
Angela: Excuse me?
Oscar: You accidentally logged this equipment depreciation twice.
Angela: Well, that doesn’t sound like me.
Oscar: Did you let someone else have access to your books?
Angela: Absolutely not.
Oscar: Then…
Angela: Oh…
Kevin: Yeah. Oh.
Angela: Very well. Case closed.
Oscar: Very well. Very well.
Kevin: Very well.
Oscar: Very well. [Kevin and Oscar pound their fists together in triumph]
Kevin: This is the best day of my life.

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The Accountants, Webisode 05 “Someone in the Warehouse”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Oscar: I really don’t think it was anyone in the office.
Angela: It had to have been someone.

Angela: Yeah, I do think it’s someone in this office, which really breaks my heart, to tell you the truth. Because I thought we were all good people here.

Oscar: Maybe it was someone in the warehouse.
Kevin: Who?
Oscar: Maybe it was Roy. He’s getting married. He can use the money.
Angela: Roy wouldn’t do it.
Kevin: How do you know?
Angela: He wouldn’t do it. He has too much character.
Kevin: You have a crush on Roy.
Angela: I do not. That is inaprobable… inappropriate.
Kevin: You have a crush on Roy. Unbelievable.
Angela: Stop it! Stop it right now!
Kevin: Does he excite you? Does he get your blood flowing? [Oscar growls]
Angela: Kevin…
Kevin: Does he get your… [Oscar growls]
Angela: Kevin, you guys don’t know anything.

Kevin: [singing] Roy and Angela sitting in a tree K-I-S
Angela: Kevin, cut it out!

Oscar: We don’t think it was you.
Kevin: No.
Oscar: But we have to ask everybody if you used any money to buy anything and forgot to report it, or…
Roy: Well, I mean, how would I do that even if I wanted to?
Kevin: You would have to take some from petty cash.
Roy: Well, I don’t even know where that is.
Kevin: In Oscar’s drawer.
Roy: Isn’t it locked?
Kevin: Well, he keeps the key behind his computer…
Oscar: Kevin, why are you giving him instructions on how to steal?
Roy: Wait, hold on. I’d never do something like that. It’s wrong. I don’t steal things.
Angela: Well, I’m satisfied. So, thank you very much for your time, Roy.
Kevin: Oh, Roy, one more question. What do you think of Angela?
Oscar: You don’t have to answer that one.
Kevin: But you can if you want to.
Oscar: But you don’t have to.

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The Accountants, Webisode 07 “Things Are Getting Tense”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Angela: We are missing $3,000. Things are getting tense.

Oscar: Wait. Here, I found it! Here it is! $2,800 returned to petty cash. Angela, I forgot to sign in the money.
Angela: Okay. Yeah.
Oscar: It’s got to be it.
Kevin: Oops. Um, I took that and then I briefly lost it, but then the Pistons beat the Cavs, and so now I’m returning it all back. Go Pistons. But this is completely unrelated to the other $3,000.
Angela: You gambled petty cash?
Kevin: Yeah, but I won, didn’t I?
Angela: That’s not the point. How are we supposed to believe you didn’t take the other $3,000?
Kevin: ‘Cause I’m telling you that I didn’t.
Oscar: You have to admit, man, this looks a little suspicious.
Kevin: Oh, suspicious. Well, how come Angela suddenly has a new necklace, all of a sudden?
Angela: My friend gave it to me.
Oscar: What friend?
Angela: Diane… Chester… Snydburgh.
Oscar: What? That’s not even close to being a real person.
Angela: Well, it’s none of your business who gave it to me. But, I didn’t steal any money.
Kevin: You guys, this is stupid, that we’re turning on each other. That is exactly what they want us to do.
Oscar: Who?
Kevin: The guys who stole the money.
Angela: All right, you know, there’s only one more thing to do. We have to investigate Michael.

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The Accountants, Webisode 02 “Phyllis”

Written by Michael Schur and Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Randall Einhorn

Phyllis: You guys wanted to see me?
Kevin: Yeah.
Oscar: Hi, Phyllis. Um, we’re going over everyone’s expenses for the year. It’s just standard procedure.

Angela: We’re missing $3,000 and we’re trying to figure out where it went. Michael is the obvious suspect, but he is the boss, so we have to at least pretend to ask other people first.

Oscar: So, I know the answer’s probably “no,” but did you take any money, or buy anything with company money or anything like that?
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Angela: I knew it.
Oscar: You did?
Phyllis: Well, about three months ago, I was on a sales call and I broke the heel on my shoe and I only had the corporate card. I’m really sorry.
Oscar: Well, how much was that?
Phyllis: $14.
Oscar: We’re talking more like $3,000.
Phyllis: $3,000? That wasn’t me.
Oscar: No. We didn’t think it was.
Phyllis: It will never happen again. My boyfriend, Bob Vance, from Vance Refrigeration gave me a Vance Refrigeration credit card. Only for emergencies.
Kevin: An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you’re in the sun, and it’s melting?
Angela: You don’t use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!
Kevin: Don’t yell at me.
Oscar: Okay. Thank you, Phyllis.
Phyllis: Okay.

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