Season 9 - Episode 23
Written by Greg Daniels
Directed by Ken Kwapis
Original Air Date: May 16, 2013
Transcribed by Jason Cagle
Dwight: The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew?
Man: Weâre getting bonus footage for the DVD.
Dwight: pff, Nobody buys DVDs anymore.
Man: Itâll be a pledge gift.
Dwight: PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you.
Dwight: In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna county. We supply them all. Iâm getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning, thereâs a mini-reunion. A kind of a âwhere are they nowâ panel at a local theatre. Itâll be nice to see everyone again. [laughs] I havenât seen Kevin since we let him go.
Dwight: [mimicking trumpet] Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring.
Kevin: Yes! Whoo, whoo, whoo!
Stanley: Ah, Iâve been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old.
Dwight: No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake isâŠforâŠKevin.
Kevin: Yes! Wait, why?
Dwight: Go ahead and just read the frosting.
Kevin: âGet out.â
Kevin: What does that mean?
Dwight: Itâs a colloquial way of saying âyouâre fired,â Kevin, which you are.
Pam: What? Dwight, you canât do that.
Dwight: The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry.
Dwight: Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying.
All: DwightâŠ[overlapping objections]
Dwight: BasedâŠon his merit.
Pam: Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyoneâs ever been fired, Tobyâs blocked it, soâŠ
Toby: Yeah. Yeah, I donât thinkâŠ
Dwight: Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Hereâs your cake. [squirts frosting on the top] Bye, bye Toby.
Kevin: [crying] At least I got chocolate.
Jim: I bike to work now. Saves on gas, cheaper than a vasectomy and, uh, oh, yeah, itâs good for the environment too.
Jim: Pam and I are great. She just recently finished her mural for the Irish cultural center.
Crowd: Whoo! Yeah
Jim: [to Cici] Can you clap! Can you clap for mom?
Jim: And Dwight is imitating Japanese business practices for reasons he explained to us in Japanese.
Pam: [whispering] Angela, are you ready for the wedding?
Angela: [whispering] Yes. My heart is so open, I am so at peace. [scoffs] Look at Meredith. Sheâs disgusting. Those feet. Theyâre like the paws of an orangutan.
Pam: I think she looks good. Now that sheâs wearing sports bras, we donât see her boobs as much.
Dwight: That is all. Have a good morning.
Meredith: Thank you.
Dwight: [after Angela kisses Dwight] What was that for?
Angela: [laughing] To remind you that our weddingâs gonna be wonderful.
Dwight: Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone.
Angela: D, itâs gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me.
Dwight: Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that heâs been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him.
Angela: I donâtâŠI donât know why.
Dwight: I brought in some new faces, and one old. I always like Devon. I hired him back after Creed faked his own death in the baler the day after the doc aired. The only person he fooled was Kevin. Then the police showed up. Turns out, Creed was in the band âThe Grass Rootsâ in the 1960âs. During that time, the police say he sold drugs and trafficked in endangered species meat and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military.
Phyllis: Oh, some fudge?
Malcolm: Oh, thanks. I love your fudge.
Malcolm: I think I gained a couple of pounds since I got here.
Phyllis: [laughing] Oh, you can afford it.
Phyllis: After 16 years, itâs strange sitting across from somebody who isnât Stanley. ButâŠheâll get there.
Jim: Okay, the limoâs gonna be here at five. I need everybody to be ready âcause I want to pack in a lot.
Zeke: Party time! Whorehouse!
Jim: Uh, no. No whorehouse. This is Dwightâs night, okay?
Zeke: Well, youâre the bestisch mensch.
Jim: Dwight has made me his bestisch mensch. Which is Schrute for best man. Heâs putting himself entirely in my hands tonight. And I know for over 12 years Iâve done nothing but trick and prank him but tonightâŠonly good surprises. âGuten Prankenâ. [chuckles]
Dwight: Oh hey, Jim. I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That wonât be necessary tonight.
Clark: Great, now we got three hours to fill.
Jim: Okay, hold on. Are you sure Mose isnât going to show up?
Dwight: Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, heâs been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing.
Jim: Mose has been weird? Thatâs so unlike him.
Andy: Yeah, sure, Iâll talk about it. Why not? Americanâs next A Cappella Sensation aired my audition. And when I started sobbing uncontrollably, apparently that struck a chord with quite a lot of people. Not a very compassionate chord. The clip went viral, as they say
Casey Dean: You canât just sit here and cry.
Andy: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry!
Andy: Two million hits in the first week and then the parodies started. One from the Philippines got 12 million hits. And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it.
[SNL Weekend Update]
Bill Hader: [fake crying]
Seth Mayers: Oh, Donât. Aw, come on, Baby Wawa. Donât be such a baby.
Bill Hader: [crying and pouring eye drops in his eyes]
Seth Mayers: Oh, No. Itâs gonna be alright.
Bill Hader: [pulling multiple tissues out]
Seth Mayers: Itâs gonna be all right. For Weekend Update Iâm Seth Meyers. Thatâs Baby Wawa. Good night.
Bill Hader: [still crying] Bye!
Andy: After my clip blew up, I actually got a call from the double rainbow guy and the fat Star Wars kid. Turns out they have a support group. [pause] Not really my scene.
Oscar: [on the phone] Years ago, the senator promised a left turn lane by the Arbyâs. So I wanna know where in the name of horsey sauce is it? Well, yeah, youâŠhold on.
Dakota: Hi. I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year. Itâs..itâs all over the place. I donât know what it means.
Oscar: Thatâs the reason Kevin got fired. Itâs his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts. He used to call it a Keleven. He told Dwight, [imitating Kevin] âA mistake plus Keleven gets you home by seven.â He was home by 4:45 that day.
Nellie: Oh, I live in Poland now. The Scranton of the E.U. Thank you for flying me out here for the weekend. Iâm looking forward to the reunion panel tomorrow. Canât wait to see everyone. Well, almost everyone.
Toby: Hello! [laughing] Hello!
Toby: Hi! [goes to hug Nellie]
Toby: Oh. [laughs nervously]
Nellie: How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have you been stalking me?
Toby: Oh, no, no. no. My plane just got in. From New York. Are you still with Piotr?
Nellie: No. And I thought I unfriended you.
Toby: Anyone can follow a Twitter feed. Wanna share a cab?
Toby: [alone in cab} After Dwight fired me, I moved to New York to write the great American novel. I have six roommates. Heh. Which are better than friends, you know âcause they have to give you one monthâs notice before they leave.
Oscar: Youâre back?
Malcolm: [whispering to Phyllis] Thatâs Baby Wawa, right? Oh, my God!
Jim: Hey man, good to see you.
Andy: Thank you. Yeah,
Phyllis: [hugging Andy]. AndyâŠ
Andy: Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly.
Phyllis: Andy, Iâve been worried about you. How are you?
Andy: A little warm.
Phyllis: Poor, poor Andy.
Andy: [struggling] Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis.
Darryl: Hello, hello.
Darryl: Hey, whatâs up?
Andy: Didnât I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo?
Darryl: What? Mustâve been another devilishly handsome debonair individual.
Darryl: Hey, man. How are you doing? I, umâŠI didnât call âcause I figured you changed the number.
Andy: No I didnât change the number. All good though. Phone never rings.
Dwight: What? Ooh!
Dwight: I thought you guys couldnât come.
Darryl: Yeah, but then they moved the panel to the same weekend and the Doc crew paid to fly us in. It was kismet.
Jim: Kismet? Yeah, right. Pam and I came up with excuses for every other weekend. You remember my two lap band surgeries, right? Neither do I? âGuten Prankâ number one.
Darryl: You ready for tonight? We gonna tear up the town?
Dwight: Uh, better ask Jim.
Jim: And Jim will say nothing.
Pam: [enters] Darryl! Andy!
Andy: Hey! Pam!
Darryl: Hey, Pam! How are you?
Pam: Weâre fine. Yeah. [hugs both Darryl and Andy] And Iâm sure that you guys are fine too. Because why wouldnât you be?
Pam: Darryl, oh, my gosh. How is Austin? Tell me everything. Howâs the merger? I feel like I read about Athlead all the time.
Darryl: I love it. And itâs Athleap now. And the city is amazing.
Darryl: Yeah. Yeah, itâs hot. The music is awesome. And the tacos areâŠfor real.
Jim: Wow! That sounds incredible. [checking cell phone]. Oh, guys. Limoâs here. Letâs do this. Change if you need to.
Oscar: Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Pam: Okay, you guys, have fun. You too, Andy.
Darryl: Woah-Oh! Havenât been in one of these in forever.
Oscar: They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a clichĂ©. Iâm a man. So Iâm going to the bachelor party with the boys. I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.
Oscar: WASSUUUUP! [laughing]
Dwight: Wait, why are we stopping? Jim, this isnât on the itinerary.
Jim: Get out.
Dwight: JimâŠwhaâŠ Come on! WhatâŠwhat are you gonna whack me, Jim?
Jim: No, Dwight. Youâll be doing the whacking.
Dwight: A bazooka. You remembered.
Jim: Of course I did.
Dwight: [tearful laugh]. Get out of my way.
All: OH! [all laugh and applaud after Dwight fires the bazooka]
Dwight: Woo! Okay!
Jim: Yeah! [to camera] Guten Prank number two.
Jim: Private Room.
Oscar: Yeah, brosef.
Jim: Enjoy, enjoy.
Guy: Hey, I know you. Are you gonna sit here and cry?
Jim: Okay, man, easy.
Guy: [fake cries]
Jim: Hey, dude, leave him alone. What are you doing?
Andy: Jim, itâs fine. Heâll just get you on his cell phone and then thatâll go viral.
Darryl: That happens a lot?
Andy: Yeah, I guess. But things are going well actually. I spoke at Cornell during commencement week. I mean, the seniors invited me as a joke but it was a huge success.
Oscar: Well, I bet it was a smash.
Andy: Thatâs how I got my new job in the admissions office.
Oscar: Is that a volunteer program orâŠ
Andy: No. Itâs a job. Things are going great.
Darryl: Letâs get a drink in you, huh?
Meredith: Whoo-hoo. Letâs get this party started!
Rachel: Whereâs my angel.
Angela: This is my big sister Rachel.
Rachel: No, this is my big sister Angela.
Angela: [laughs] Weâre very close. We even have our own special language.
Rachel: [speaks in a special language]
Angela: People love it.
Rachel: They do.
Dwight: [sighs] Man, how long have we been sitting here?
Stripper: Hi, boys!
Clark: Here we go!
Dwight: Oh, Thank God. We are famished!
Stripper: Hey, did somebody order the chef special?
Darryl: Right there.
Dwight: No, we havenât ordered anything. No oneâs even taken our drinks. Uh, what is the chef special? [music plays and stripper starts dancing on Dwight]
Stripper: I bet you boys have a big appetite.
Dwight: Oh, we do. So weâll have an onion loaf for the table, please. And tell us about your heartiest soups.
Stripper: Mm, I know what you want. I know exactly what you want.
Dwight: Yes, an onion loaf for the table but thatâs not all. Now the chef special sounded good. What is it exactly?
Stripper: Ohh, shh. [places finger over Dwightâs lips]
Dwight: Okay, what are you doing? Are you giving me a taste of the chefâs special? Tastes like cigarettes. That wonât work. Thatâs no good.
Angela: What? [knock at the door] Okay.
Pam: Oh, boy.
Jakey: Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever.
Phyllis: Angelaâs special repairman is here.
Angela: Wait, what is this?
Meredith: Shut up. Jakey?
Pam: Wait, wait. What?
Jakey: Oh, man.
Meredith: No, no, no, no. Just do your wok. Pretend momâs not here.
Pam: Uh, that seems inappropriate.
Meredith: Give the good show, my little entrepreneur.
Meredith: Take it off. [music play]. Yeah! Good song choice, Jakey. Stripperâs only as good as his song.
Rachel: oh, wowee wow.
Pam: Whoo-hooâŠgo, Meredithâs stripper son.
Angela: Rachel, are you all right?
Rachel: I donât know! I donât know.
Angela: Oh geeze. [Jakey starts dancing on Angela]. Oh, my God!
Meredith: Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look. [pushes Jakey aside and starts dancing on Angela]
Angela: Okay, if anything, this is rougher. Stop it Meredith.
Meredith: Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey.
Angela: [Jakey resumes dancing] Uh, no. Itâs oâŠthank you. You know what? You donât have toâŠoh no, no, no. No, no, no. Itâs okay.
Dwight: Now, for the last time, Iâd like a side salad with balsamic.
Clark: Dwight, for the last time, sheâs not a waitress.
Dwight: Youâre telling me!
Oscar: If you want her to leave, just tip her.
Dwight: What for? We havenât even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato? [to the dancing stripper] Do you have those? Those arenât deep fried, right?
Angela: That was interesting. [creaking sound] What was that?
Phyllis: Itâs just the wind.
Angela: Will you lock the door?
Phyllis: Okay. [opens door] Itâs just the wind, see? Nothing.
Angela: Alright, see, you donât have to leave the door wide open. We get it. Itâs the wind. Just come and shutâŠ[Mose grabs Angela and takes her away] OH! My God!
Rachel: Whatâs happening?
Dwight: Oh, man, never thought Iâd say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow. [phone rings]
Jim: Oh, itâs the girls. Hey Pam. What? Angelaâs been kidnapped! Phyllis left the door open and some freak came and grabbed her and fled.
Dwight: Good old Mose. [laughing]
Jim: They think it was Mose.
Dwight: Oh, great. Heâs getting into the spirit of the festivities. Fantastic. He just pulled off a Braut Entfuhrung.
Oscar: What is that?
Dwight: A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks. Ah, all right! Oh Mose.
Jim: Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub youâd ever set foot in in this town?
Dwight: Right. Which one is that?
Jim: Mm, hey driver. Why donât you take us to 3030 Adams?
Jim: Is that Mose?
Dwight: Yes, it is! I am here for my bride!
Mose: Well, first, buy us a drink.
All: If you want your bride, buy us a drink! If you want your bride, buy us a drink.
Dwight: Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender! [Kevin turns around] Oh.
Kevin: Well, well, well, well, well, well. Thatâs six âwells.â Did I get that number right, Dwight?
Dwight: I heard you bought a bar, Kevin.
Kevin: Yes. I did. This one. Now get out!
Dwight: [to Mose] Why did you pick this place? [Mose points to Jim]
Dwight: You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch.
Jim: Nope, not a prank. I think itâs time for you to bury the hatchet.
Dwight: Waste of a good hatchet.
Jim: Okay, just talk.
Kevin: Well, wâŠ
Dwight: I heard you say âwellâ the first time.
Jim: I know Dwight misses Kevin. I saw him make his portrait out of a Wooly Willy. Tomorrowâs his wedding day. You canât be anything but happy on your wedding day.
Dwight: It was nothing personal. Itâs just that you were terrible at your job.
Kevin: Youâre just saying that to make me feel better.
Dwight: No really. You were terrible at math and organization, time management, personal hygiene. Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw our your computer.
Kevin: Is that all it was?
Dwight: Thatâs it.
Kevin: Come here [hugs Dwight]
Dwight: I missed you Kevin.
Kevin: I missed you!
Mose: Guten Prank.
Jim: Yes, Mose. Guten Prank number three.
Dwight: Youâve had your drink. Now where is my bride?
Dwight: Mose! What..ooh, Mose. [Mose opens trunk]
Angela: What the [bleep] is your problem you [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]?!
Jim: Hey. Hey, is Angela coming orâŠ
Dwight: No. We canât see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk.
Stanley: Hey guys.
Erin: Howâs Florida?
Stanley: Oh, great.
Stanley: Yes, Iâm living in Florida now. Little town called Florida City, just on the edge of the everglades. The man who delivered my divorce papers came by fan boat which was kinda fun. I sit on my porch all day, carving birds.
Jim: Am I the only one thatâs nervous? How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed?
Pam: No, no, Iâm fine.
Jim: Doesnât seem like anyone cares about us anyway.
Stanley: I guess this was work being filmed nonstop for nine years.
Andy: Iâm sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral.
[video] Just sit here and cry, just sit here and cry! Oh I can so just sit here and cry. You guys are really mean. It canât end like this you know. Slept in my car last night, quit my job. Burned all my bridges. And I did unspeakable things â Youâre just not good, youâre just not good. â Are you insane? â Youâre just not good, youâre just not good. â Chill out! [crying] Just sit here and cryâŠ
Kevin: [watching at his bar] People actually dance to this. Itâs in my juke box. None of the money goes to Andy though.
Kevin: [laughing] Yeah, people hate you.
Andy: Iâll go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home. [walks down the hall]
Man: Hey! Itâs Andy Bernard!
All: Nard Dog! [cheers and claps] Ree-De-De-De-Doo! [repeats]
Man 1: How did it feel to see your lives played out on tv?
David Wallace: Itâs like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. Itâs kinda disgusting. You learn a lot, but I didnât wanna know any of it.
Dwight: With todayâs modern surveillance technology we are in a constant state of being watched weather itâs our government or the government of other countries a.k.a. Google. You guys are being filmed way more than we ever were.
Pete: Uh, no one recognizes me. But not all my friends call me Plop. SoâŠ thanks PBS.
Woman 1: Uh, Jim, that DVD in the last episode was so romantic. And, um, I think weâd all love to know, Pam, what romantic thing did you do to pay Jim back for leaving Athlead?
Pam: Well, I mean, How do you pay back someone for something like that? But, uh, I donât know. Iâm working on something.
Jim: She pays me back every day just by being my wife so thatâs fine.
Woman 2: All I can say is, if I had Jim, he would have a free pass to do anything. I mean if I lucked into thatâŠ he could do anything. Anything.
Pam: [pause] Iâm sorry. Is there a question?
Woman 2: Uh, no.
Man 2: Pam, what was in that teapot letter?
Pam: Oh, um, well, you know, IâŠ I justâŠ I just think I would rather keep that private. You know, if youâd been filmed for nine years of your life, thereâd be some things that you just wanna keep to yourself.
Man 2: I hear ya. What did it say?
Moderator: Weâre gonna move on. Next question please.
Man 3: Do you find that your life feels pointless now that nobodyâs actually filming you anymore?
Woman 3: I wanna know how everyone felt they were portrayed. Was it accurate?
Meredith: I got a beef with that. Um, for the first seven years, I was getting my PhD in School Psychology and they didnât show it. Yes, I was getting hammered but, hey, it was college.
Woman 4: I have a question for Jim and Pam. Everyone watching sees how much you love each other and how youâre soul mates. So, Pam, how could you doubt that when Jim moved to Philadelphia?
Jim: Um, you know what, I actually didnât handle that move, uh, very gracefully. From not communicating to being a little selfish.
Pam: Listen, umâŠ I was scared, you know? I loved what I had, and I didnât want to risk it. And I think that maybe I did doubt him a little too. Which was wrong because heâs shown me time and again. But when the documentary started airing, people on the street told me that I had this fairy-tale romance. But there were a lot of times last year where it did not feel like a fairy tale. But then it got deeper, and it got stronger and now itâs better than a fairy tale. Itâs like a long book that you never want to end. And youâre fine with that because you just never, ever wanna leave it.
Woman 4: Like Harry Potter.
Pam: Yeah, like Harry Potter.
Joan: I have a question for Erin.
Joan: Yes. Um, the thing I found most compelling about the documentary was your search for your birth mother.
Erin: Thank you.
Joan: So my question is, um, doâŠ donât you hate her? I mean, I would just imagine that you were so angry at her that you would hate her.
Erin: Maybe sometimes. But not like âhateâ hate. More just like, âMom, I hate you!â And then she would say âgo to your room, young lady.â And Iâd stamp my foot and run upstairs and I have a room, which is really cool. And then weâd just have dinner together. But I donât know. Iâd have to meet her. Thanks.
Joan: UmâŠOh, Erin..
Erin: Yes? Is there a follow-up question? [realizes] Mom? [they hug]
Ed: ErinâŠ Same question but about your dad? [they hug]
Moderator: Well, this feels like a good place to stop. Letâs thank all of our wonderful panelists for being here on this wonderful panel today. [audience claps] Next week at the Scranton Cultural Center donât forget, Irish Step Dancing semifinals. Winning team to Mid-Atlantic. [applause and scattering cheers]
Kevin: Whereâs the, uh, basket for gifts?
Usher: Right there, sir.
Dakota: Hi, Iâm Dakota.
Creed: Jeff Bomondo. I sell ceramic tile out of Newark.
Creed: My wifeâs name is Kathryn. I can show you my social security card if it helps.
Kelly: Uck, Look at all this mud. Can you imagine if I had worn my Jimmy Choos? I just saved you 600 bucks mister.
Ravi: Thanks for helping out, sweetie.
Ryan: Kelly, youâre here.
Kelly: Hey, Ryan!
Kelly: Whose baby is this? Oh, are, like, a nanny now?
Ryan: No, this little guy is mine.
Ryan: So I was dating this girl, and one day, she went out to get a new charger for her e-cigarette. Never came back. Oldest story in the book. [baby squeals]
Ryan: Say âhiâ, Drake.
Kelly: Drake is your babyâs name?
Kelly: That is an amazing name. Iâm obsessed with Drake. His last albumâŠ it just touched me to pieces.
Ryan: No Kelly, heâs no named after a hip-hop artist from 2011. Itâs Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake.
Kelly: Cool. Well, he is so cute. Ravi, check out this cute baby. Iâm obsessed with him. Ravi is a pediatrician and some of his patients are total uggos.
Ravi: Theyâre called premature, sweetie. Itâs good to see you again Ryan.
Phyllis: Let me help you us.
Angela: Thanks. [knees buckle] Oh. Ouch.
Pam: Oh, boy. Maybe your heels are too high.
Angela: No, my heels aren't too high. Itâs because I spent three hours in a car trunk. Thanks for not locking the door when I asked you to, Phyllis. [sighs] Sorry Phyllis. You didnât know. As long as I can get to the altar.
Phyllis: Oh, Iâm gonna get you to that altar. You can take that to the bank.
Jim: You ready?
Dwight: [chuckles] You kidding? I was born ready. [mimicking heavy metal guitars]
Jim: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. UmâŠ I donât know how to tell you this, butâŠ we have a little bit of a problem.
Dwight: Oh, no. What?
Jim: The minister just told me that itâs tradition for the Bestish Mensch to be older than the groom.
Dwight: Oh, come on. Iâve never heard of such a thing.
Jim: I havenât heard of it, obviously. But Iâm out because I am significantly younger than you-
Dwight: NotâŠ significant is a big wordâŠ
Jim: I think itâs definitelyâŠ Well, okay. Either wayâŠ
Dwight: I think youâre only a teenyâŠ
Jim: Either way, DwightâŠ I canât be there for you. Iâm sorry.
Jim: I justâŠreally wish there was something I could do. [looks off]
Dwight: [turns around] [whispering] Michael. I canât believe you came.
Michael: Thatâs what she said.
Jim: Best prank ever.
Minister: As it is traditional to the Schrutes, the lovers are standing in their own graves as a reminder that this is the only escape from what they are about to do.
Nellie: [to Joan] See, I get what they are trying to do, but why are the graves so shallow?
Kevin: [reading] âArise, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is passed. The rain is over and gone. The time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet and your face is comely. â
Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife. [everyone cheers] Release the doves! [doves do not move right away]
Kevin: Thatâs notâŠ
Dwight: Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now, please take your hay bales to the reception. Theyâll be used for seating. Complimentary hay hooks are placed alone the aisles. Just stab âem on in there.
[After Dwight and Angelaâs dance]
Jim: [dancing with Pam. They kiss] See, now you donât owe me anything.
Ryan: Ravi? Ravi? Drake has a bit of a rash. And heâs hot.
Ravi: Oh, no.
Ryan: I was wondering could you maybe examine him for a second?
Ravi: Oh, yeah, youâre not feeling well little guy? Okay, sure. Should we go inside?
Ryan: Actually, could you go inside? Iâm feeling a little dehydrated. I could really use a little break, have some water.
Ravi: Are you sure you donât wanna go in?
Kelly: Ravi, just do it. That baby is burning up. Isnât this, like what you live for? Just go. Go.
Ryan: Thank you Ravi. Thank you so much. This is great for me and for Drake. Thank you.
Kelly: I donât know, Ryan. Baby Drake didnât look so good.
Ryan: Heâll be fine. I let me suck on a strawberry. Heâs allergic but heâll get over it fast. I had to talk to you.
Kelly: You gave your baby an allergic reaction just to talk to me? [they kiss]
Pam: Michael has so many pictures of his kids he had to get two phones with two numbers and he pays two bills.
Pam: [with Michael] Oh, my gosh, itâs choreographed!
Pam: He just so happy to have a family plan.
Ed: Whereâd you learn to dance like that?
Erin: I donât know. Iâve just always been really good at dancing.
Toby: [dancing with Pam] [sobbing]
Pam: Is it me? Is it Nellie?
Toby: [sobbing] Itâs everything.
Phyllis: [dancing with Stanley] I missed you.
Stanley: I missed you too.
Phyllis: Lots of people think that Stanley Hudsonâs a mean old grump. [laughs] But [crying] would a grump make this? Itâs me. Itâs me.
Ryan: I love you.
Kelly: [laughing] I love you too.
Ryan: Weâre gonna be together forever.
Kelly: Weâre running off into the sunset.
Ryan: I finally mastered commitment.
Kevin: [to Oscar] What was that stuff?
Ravi: Hey, has anyone seen RyanâŠ or Kelly?
Kevin: Ooh! Yes. Uh, They left together a little while ago. Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together.
Ravi: Oh, thatâs it. Here. [hands Drake to Kevin] Call child services and report an abandoned baby. Weâll find a better parent than Ryan in no time.
Kevin: Oh, I donât know.
Nellie: Um, Kevin? Oh, I can help you with that. Yeah. I mean, I can find someone who willâŠ who will love that beautiful little boy the way he deserves.
Kevin: Hey, this is better. [hands Drake to Nellie]
Nellie: Yes. It is. Oh yes it is.
Nellie: If Ryan wants his baby back, please tell him where to fine me. Weâll be somewhere in Europe. [looking at Drake] Wonât we?
Michael: [crying] I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. Itâs every parentâs dream.
Darryl: Thank you go much.
Dwight: Good night.
Toby: Good luck.
Val: Great. It was really fun.
Dwight: Good evening.
Val: The Doc crewâs throwing a big after party in the warehouse tonight.
Darryl: Yeah, I heard. It sounds kinda lame. [to camera] No offense. You going, Toby?
Toby: Oh, I donât know. I might turn in early.
Andy: Itâs only 6:00. Come on, everybodyâs going.
Meredith: You have to go, Toby.
Pete: Yeah, come on, Tobes.
Val: Come on.
Toby: Yeah. Iâll stop by.
Pete: There he is!
Pam: I need to get out of this dress.
Jim: I gotta get out of this dress.
Carol Stills: Oh, Iâm sorry Pam.
Jim: Whatâs going on?
Pam: [sighs] [whispering] Why are you still here?
Carol: [whispering] Iâm so sorry. They were an hour late.
Jim: No, really, whatâs going on?
Pam: Okay, Okay. UmâŠ soâŠ this past year has been really great, and youâve been great and I justâŠ I know that you had to make this choice and you had to give something up for me. But I never want you to have to give up anything. I just thought if I could get us an offer then there wouldnât be anything standing in our way and I could come to you with this big Jim gestureâŠ and show you all at once just how much I love you and how much I really do believe in your future.
Jim: Sorry, how long have you been showing the house?
Pam: About 2 months
Jim: Thatâs why itâs so clean.
Jim: I mean, you were gonna do this without me?
Pam: Well, youâŠ you bought the house without telling me, so I thought I could sell it without telling you.
Jim: OhâŠ okay. Where would we go?
Pam: Austin? Maybe.
Jim: I promise you, you donât have to do this for me.
Pam: Iâm doing it for us.
Jim: The lastâŠ
Buyer: Okay. Weâll take it.
Jim: [to the buyer] Hold on a second. [to Pam] The last few months have meant the world to me and all I care aboutâŠ
Pam: Hold on a second. [turning] Wait, what did you just say?
Buyer: We wanna buy your house.
Jim: You wanna do this?
Pam: I wanna do this.
Jim: You really want to do this?
Pam: I really want to do this!
Jim: [hugging Pam] [laughing] Oh my God!
Jim: Hey, Darryl. [whispers in his ear]
Darryl: What? All right!
Pam: Weâre so excited.
Woman: Oh, thatâs for PBS executives only.
Stanley: I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this.
David Wallace: I think your ideas are fantastic, Oscar. Iâd love to contribute to your campaign.
Oscar: Thank you David.
Pam: Uh, could I please have your attention? So a year ago, I got my first art commission to paint a mural for Dunder Mifflin and I decided to paint the history of paperâŠ,which was just some trees and stuff. And then someone spray painted a bunch of butts on it and I had to start from the beginning. But it all worked out for the best because I think that Iâve painted the perfect thing which is the history of us. All of us. And this is for you Jim. [applause] And go ahead! [drape drops and everyone cheers]
Pam: Everyone, Letâs take our picture in front of the mural. Oh, um, I justâŠI kind of meant just everybody from the office.
Photographer: [taking pictures] Very nice. Just a couple dozen more. Smiles, everybody, smiles. All right, thatâs great. I got enough. Thank you, everybody.
Jim: [whispering to Pam] Letâs go outside
Stanley: Okay, I need a drink.
Kevin: Yeah, we all need a drink. [opening Meredithâs drawer] What theâŠthereâs only dandelion tea and raisins in here.
Meredith: Hey, bottom drawer.
Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, This is Pam. Oh, Iâm sorry. Jim Halpert doesnât work here anymore.
Pam: I didnât watch the whole documentary. After a few episodes, it was too painful. I kept wanting to scream at Pam. It took me so long to do so many important things. Itâs just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been. Jim was 5 feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. Itâd be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that Iâm a tragic person. Iâm really happy now. ButâŠit would justâŠjust make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself âbe strong, trust yourself, love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isnât that long.â
Kevin: If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, itâs that if you film anybody long enough, theyâre going to do something stupid. Itâs only human natural.
Dwight: Hey guys.
Pam: What about the honeymoon?
Angela: Oh, the honeymoon can wait till tomorrow. We wanted to hang out with you guys. I mean, when are we all going to be here together again?
Dwight: Aww, J, P and D. The Three Amigos. Ah, it warms my heart. Hey, what do you say, when I get back from out honeymoon, the three of us have a conference room meeting just for fun? [pause] What is that meaningful look?
Jim: You know what? Maybe we should talk.
Darryl: Hey, come here. You guys need to see this.
Kevin: What is it?
Andy: [on the computer] Youâre probably sitting there wondering what will be your mark. What will you be known for? It might surprise you to learn...
Pam: I finally feel ready. Athlead is growingâŠ
Pam: And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat. Weâll come back to visit. But I think itâs time for us to officiallyâŠ
Dwight: No, donât say it. Youâre fired! Youâre both fired!
Jim: Dwight, come on. Donât end on a bad note.
Dwight: Donât be an idiot. Itâs for the severance. The best I can do one month for every year youâve been here. Thatâs the max.
Pam: Thanks Dwight.
Jim: Hey, and if youâre ever in Austin...
Dwight: Woah. Right. For what, the art? The music? The incredible nightlife? No thank you. But if youâre ever in the area, youâll always have a place to stayâŠin my barn.
Jim: There it is.
Dwight: Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I donât have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. SoâŠ have I gotten along with my subordinates? Letâs see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. SoâŠyes. Iâd say I have gotten along with my subordinates.
Andy: [on computer] You might feel sorry for me but I actually feel sorry for you. Because youâre about to leave Cornell. So say it with me: [all]: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry.
Kevin: Oh, Yes!
Darryl: You did good. Real good.
Andy: Thanks DadâŠDarryl.
Andy: I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals, my college a cappella group. The weird thing is now, Iâm exactly where I wanna be. I got my dream job at Cornell and Iâm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now theyâre the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know youâre in the good old days before youâve actually left them. [pause] Someone should write a song about that.
Oscar: You take something ordinary, like a piece of paper. Itâs not much. But if you see it in the right wayâŠAnd thatâs what you did with this documentary. But seriously, you made a nine-year documentary and you couldnât once show me doing my origami.
Creed: [walking out of the bathroom discovered by all] Uh..ohh!
Creed: [playing guitar and singing] I saw a friend today. It had been a while. And we forgot each others names. But it didnât matter. âCause deep inside the feeling still remained the sameâŠ
Jim: Imagine going back and watching a tape of your life. You could see yourself change and make mistakesâŠand grow up. You could watch yourself fall in love, watch yourself become a husband, become a father. You guys gave that to me. And thatâsâŠan amazing gift.
Phyllis: Hey, Jim, remember flonkerton when you did Office Olympics? It was awesome.
Jim: Thanks Phyl.
Creed: I still have my medal from that.
Angela: Do you even have a mattress?
Creed: No, but I still have my medal from that.
Kevin: Oscar. Oscar. [crying] I think Iâm gay.
Oscar: Why do you say that?
Kevin: [sniffles] Itâs just that Iâm so emotional.
Oscar: Yeah, but youâre not gay. Youâre not gay.
Kevin: No, but maybe the reasonâŠ
Oscar: Youâre not gay.
Creed: [still playing and singing] And all the faces that I know have that same familiar glow. I think I must have known them somewhere once before.
Erin: How did you do it? How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt and how made each other laugh and how we got through the day? How did you do it? Also, how do cameras work?
Darryl: Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?
Creed: It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. ButâŠ[chuckles] no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. [standing with two cops] Letâs do this.
Meredith: I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks theyâre the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. Youâre not alone sister. Letâs get a beer sometime.
Phyllis: Iâm happy that this was all filmed so I can remember everyone and what we did. I worked for a paper company all these years and I never wrote anything down.
Jim: I sold paper at this company for 12 years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didnât love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupidâŠwonderfulâŠboringâŠamazing job.
Pam: I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in allâŠI think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. Thereâs a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isnât that kind of the point?
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