Season 9 - Episode 18
Written by Tim McAuliffe
Directed by Jennifer Celotta
Original Air Date: April 4, 2013
Transcribed by Christine G.
Kevin: Uh oh. She's doing it again.
Pam: Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um...
Clark: It's porn.
Dwight: [Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment.
Darryl: Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public.
Pam: Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.
Meredith: Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish.
Group: Ugh. Ew.
Dwight: Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak.
Angela: Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?
Toby: He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it.
Oscar: Toby, how do you propose that we-
Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?
Pam: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Andy: Well there you go. That's muy caliente.
Dwight: OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. [walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis]
Phyllis: What the hell?!
Dwight: It's OK guys, she's no longer horny.
Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie [takes Phyllis' iPod]
Phyllis: Wait, what?
Andy: You can have this back at the end of the day. [cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him] Oh!!
Dwight: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles.
Clark: What's her name?
Dwight: Esther Ruger. [Angela makes a face in the background]
Dwight: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Clark: Oh yeah. Keep talkin'.
Dwight: Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.
Dwight: [laughs] What do you think?
Clark: The same thing that you think.
Dwight: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Clark: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.
Angela: Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes.
Angela: Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! [laughs]
Pam: [on phone] Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week.
Jim: Oh man. [laughs]
Pam: I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'.
Jim: Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen.
Pam: [laughs] Um.
Jim: What was I gonna- What was I gonna say?
Pam: You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen?
Jim: Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman.
Pam: Oh, oh OK.
Jim: Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
Pam: [sighs] Um, Ok. Well?
Jim: Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later?
Pam: Yeah, sounds good. Ok.
Jim: Ok great.
Kevin: [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song?
Oscar: There's a promo for the new documentary on the web.
Phyllis: Play it again.
Promo Voice: [Music begins, Michael Scott is shown] The boss. [Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past] The workers. [Ryan and Michael are shown] The lives. [Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown] The loves. [More flashback clips] The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA.
Kevin: Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.
Kevin: This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.
Kevin: [Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight] Did you see this? [lifts monitor in her direction]
Angela: Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer.
Clark: [Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof] Oh my god, is that you and Jim?
Pam: Uh huh.
Clark: Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful.
Pam: It wasn't so bad.
Andy: Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. â€śBanjo at 0:19 is aightâ€ť Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?
Jim: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert.
Ryan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.
Darryl: Hey, man. Darryl.
Ryan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh.
Jim: Let's go to the conference room.
Dwight: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots.
Angela: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.
Dwight: Did I tell you about her teeth?
Erin: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.
Dwight: Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome.
Mr. Ruger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.
Dwight: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always.
Esther: Thank you. [Dwight kisses her forehead]
Angela: I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that....thing.
Pam: Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much.
Stanley: [eating soft pretzel] We've all changed.
Jim: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number.
Darryl: And we all know, baseball does not last forever.
Ryan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: â€śC'mon, I can do that.â€ť
Jim: Right? [laughs]
Ryan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?
Darryl: Subway sandwiches.
Ryan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext.
Ryan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called â€śThe Big Pieceâ€ť
Jim: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical.
Ryan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-
Ryan Howard: -hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece.
Darryl: The space dust does it.
Jim: Space dust.
Ryan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together.
Jim: Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. [Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts] Alright.
Darryl: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it.
Jim: Ok, great.
Kevin: Andy, are there documentary groupies?
Andy: Of course there are!
Kevin: Of course.
Toby: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel [groups groans] was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen-
Nellie: Oh, I don't care.
Oscar: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.
Pam: Oh my god!
Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish]
Kevin: What was that word they said when they showed me â€śSkrald mandâ€ť? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? [Oscar looks it up]
Oscar: Dumpster Man.
Kevin: Cool. Superhero.
Angela: What about me? â€śKlokken tre pigeâ€ť
Oscar: â€śThree PM Girlâ€ť
Angela: What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then!
Oscar: It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves.
Phyllis: Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it?
Angela: Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified]
Angela: There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am.
Oscar: Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage.
Meredith: I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [lifts shirt to flash camera] Boob sauce!
Angela: Come on!
Nellie: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping?
Oscar: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV!
Oscar: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out.
Oscar: I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you?
Andy: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: â€śYou guys are killing it!â€ť I mean, we're internet sensations guys!
Angela: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk.
Stanley: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. [groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something]
Oscar: Ok everyone, turn off your mikes.
Angela: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?
Erin: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?
Nellie: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more [Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces] I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone.
Pete: Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got.
Pam: Yeah, I guess I could.
Stanley: Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me.
Phyllis: I thought Terry knew about Cynthia?
Stanley: She does. But neither of them know about Lydia.
Clark: Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do?
Ruger Sister 1: That manipulates the secondary shaft.
Clark: Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! [laughs]
Salesmen: The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets.
Mr. Ruger: Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns.
Dwight: Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal.
Mr. Ruger: Esther, get in the truck.
Dwight: Ok ok ok, wait! You win. [shakes hands]
Salesman: Let's get the paperwork started.
Ruger Sister 2: We should buy an auger together.
Clark: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Ruger Sister 1: You would be a great one to buy an auger with.
Stanley: [on phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring.
Andy: Oh! Seven new comments. â€śThe guy at 0:19 is hawt!â€ť [typing] â€śHi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!â€ť[reading] â€śHe's not hawt, he's gay.â€ť [typing] â€śDear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.â€ť [reading] â€śHe is hawt!â€ť See, thank you, that's more like it. â€śHe is butt.â€ť God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!
Dwight: Security deposit. That's been-
Mr. Ruger: Standard.
Dwight: Right, standard.
Clark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second?
Clark: One second.
Clark: One second.
Dwight: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
Clark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen]
Dwight: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off.
Clark: Dude, we're being conned.
Dwight: Go on.
Clark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Clark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.
Dwight: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
Clark: I don't even know what an auger is!
Dwight: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is.
Mr. Ruger: Hey, you ready to sign?
Dwight: I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. [grabs Clark]
Brian: Oh, hey!
Brian: Hi. [laughs]
Pam: Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time?
Brian: No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this-
Pam: Oh my gosh, please, don't.
Brian: Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. [laughs] Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there.
Pam: Sure, yeah. Yeah.
Brian: Let me grab a couple drinks.
Pam: OK. [Goes out onto terrace] Oh wow, you have a nice view.
Brian: Alright, that's for you. [hands her beer]
Pam: Oh, thank you.
Angela: [Plays boom box to drown out sound] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator?
Oscar: They caught us kissing on Halloween.
Angela: Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [Slaps Oscar]
Oscar: Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy!
Angela: Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career.
Oscar: Well, I don't like giving him bad news.
Angela: Call him!
Oscar: You call him!
Angela: Call him! [hits Oscar]
Oscar: Stop hitting me!
Angela: Call him! Call him!
Brian: What brings you by?
Pam: Well, the promo for the documentary aired today.
Brian: Oh yeah, that's right.
Pam: Yeah. It's kinda crazy.
Brian: Yeah, it is.
Pam: See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof?
Brian: Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment.
Pam: Yeah, wasn't that neat?
Brian: Yeah, it was cool.
Pam: Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed?
Pam: I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue-
Brian: No no, it's-
Pam: I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and....I don't know, am I crazy?
Brian: No, you're not crazy.
Pam: Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera-
Pam: You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much.
Brian: They want to know how much what?
Pam: How much stuff you got.
Brian: Pretty much everything.
Pam: Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs?
Brian: They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you.
Pam: So we basically had no privacy for ten years.
Brian: That's not really true, I mean-
Pam: Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go.
Brian: Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better.
Pam: No I think you explained it.
Brian: Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam.
Jim: â€śTogether we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.â€ť
Ryan Howard: That'll pay for the exploding helicopter.
Ryan Howard: â€śSuddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs.â€ť
Jim: â€śBuy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.â€ť
Ryan Howard: Come on man, sell it!
Darryl: Yeah, Jim.
Jim: [louder] â€śBuy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!â€ť
Ryan Howard: Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: â€śOh yeah!â€ť
Jim: â€śMegan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.â€ť
Ryan Howard: â€śThey kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.â€ť
Jim: Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends.
Darryl: It's so strong.
Ryan Howard: Keep reading then.
Jim: â€śGotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.â€ť
Ryan Howard: Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader.
Jim: I don't know how we'd go about doing that.
Darryl: We can look into it.
Jim: We'll look into it.
Ryan Howard: We need Darth.
Jim: We gotta get him.
Darryl: We'll go after Darth then.
Jim: We're gonna go get him.
Darryl: That's what we gotta do.
Jim: We're gonna get him.
Dwight: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me.
Clark: A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours.
Dwight: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy.
Clark: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way.
Dwight: By hand.
Esther: Dwight, we need to talk.
Dwight: I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther.
Esther: Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends.
Esther: So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back.
Dwight: That snake!
Esther: You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine.
Dwight: That shady grove out by Willard's pond.
Dwight: So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed?
Esther: Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you?
Dwight: [laughs] No!
Clark: Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for?
Dwight: Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther]
Senator: [On speakerphone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep]
Angela & Oscar: Hi honey!
Oscar: Oh you?
Angela: No you go. Hi honey!
Oscar: Hey, Hey Robert!
Angela: It's Angela and Oscar.
Angela: Just a few quick things.
Oscar: Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos.
Angela: Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential.
Oscar: Very much so.
Oscar: Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay.
Angela: Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it.
Oscar: I think that's it!
Angela: I think we're good.
Angela: Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God.
Andy: [on video] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo, screen types out â€śyou suck my nutzâ€ť from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie]
Nellie: Good night Andy.
Andy: Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying]
Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish]
Pam: I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. [at computer opens translator. Types in â€śElskereâ€ť which comes back as â€śloversâ€ť Pam smiles]