Season 9 - Episode 8
Written by Graham Wagner
Directed by Brent Forreste
Original Air Date: November 29, 2012
Transcribed by Erica
Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that Iâm having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if sheâs cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, itâs business as usual.
Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat]
Angela: Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question?
Oscar: [whispering] Of course, ask me a que-- Â questions.
Angela: Is it cool in here to you?
Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes.
Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again.
Oscar: Itâs the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So Iâm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. Iâll just go downstairs.
Angela: Thank you.
Oscar: No, thank you, Angela.
Oscar: She doesnât know. I shouldnât be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.
Dwight: Well, well, well, itâs finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.
Pam: These are my painting clothes.I think Iâm gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds]
Meredith: Sure you donât want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one.
Jim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?
Pam: Are you avoiding your phone call?
Jim: What? Yeah, right. As if.
Jim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there.
Pam: Last week Jim wasnât there, and they named the company Athlead.
Jim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.
Pam: Tell them your opening line.
Jim: [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy whoâs not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?
Pam: I think itâs good. He likes fishing.
Jim: This is gonna be awful.
Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when theyâre in, I fill out one of these cards. But the informationâs already on the computer, so....why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to âchillax,â and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Donât give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. Â Fight the power.
Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.
Angela: [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh!
Dwight: Come on in, the waterâs fine.
Angela: Dwight, itâs not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.
Dwight: I know. Thatâs not why Iâm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks]
Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.
Dwight: Oh, Iâm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If Iâm not in your panties, I donât go vigilantes. Why donât you ask your husband?
Angela: My marriage is in danger. I donât know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.
Dwight: [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?
Angela: Â Something like that.
Dwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.
Angela: Can you arrange a meeting?
Dwight: I can try. Iâm gonna use SMS text.
Dwight: Text went through.
Dwight: All we can do is sit and wait.
Dwight: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, heâs free anytime. Not a problem.
Jim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.
David: [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If thereâs a crisis -- the more I think about it --
Jim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while Iâm gone.
David: They did?
David: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes-- Maybe this can work.
Jim: Oh, great.
Stanley: Why should we help you?
Jim: Because weâre friends.
Stanley: When is my birthday?
Jim: Unfair. Whenâs my birthday?
Stanley: I donât know, because weâre not friends.
Jim: How about this-- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?
Stanley: Now weâre talkinâ.
Jim: All right.
Kevin: Make it go taller.
Pete: Thatâs the idea.
Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands]
Pete: Well, Iâve gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher.
Kevin: Youâre not getting this, Peter. Â Make it go wider... up!
Pete: Will do.
Darryl: [entering] What are yâall doing?
Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower.
Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right?
Kevin: Obviously. Heâs a sweet kid, Darryl. But heâs not the sharpest guy in the drawer.
Pete: Kevin, I can hear you.
Angela: Ow! Dwight! Ow!
Dwight: Get in the van.
Trevor: Is it safe to talk?
Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I donât see them so I think weâre good.
Angela: So what are your credentials?
Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, Iâm damn good at it.
Angela: Do you have a gun?
Dwight: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her.
Trevor: You tell me.
Angela: What is this?
Trevor: Itâs the receipt for my gun.
Angela: You donât carry it with you?
Trevor: Read the receipt. Thatâs a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.
Dwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevorâs had stolen from him?
Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe.
Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe?
Trevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt]
Pam: [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. Itâs just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, Iâm gonna limit myself to one shrub.
Hide: You paint wall now?
Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that...
Hide: You paint now.
Pam: Itâs probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Hide: I wait.
Darryl: Thatâs what Iâm talkinâ about.
Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote âsausage factory.â
Meredith: Oh OOOH!
Everyone: [approving cheers]
Kevin: Yep, yep, yep.
Pete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.
Creed: Letâs find out what I did.
Pete: All right.
Dwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
Trevor: And thatâs all off the books?
Trevor: Nice. No taxes.
Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.
Trevor: So whatâs the job?
Trevor: Okay, thatâs the big one. Thatâs the big âM.â
Dwight: You canât have someone murdered.
Angela: What if they deserved it?
Dwight: What did they do to you, Angela?
Angela: Theyâre sleeping with my husband.
Dwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.
Trevor: This seems a little crazy.
Dwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
Trevor: But I think Iâm up for it.
Dwight: No! No!
Angela: Thank you.
Dwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. Iâve had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch--
Trevor: Thatâs very effective. Iâve been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. Itâs devastating.
Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.
Trevor: What about a knee-capping?
Dwight: No! Youâre not helping, Trevor!
Angela: Yes, a knee-capping could work.
Dwight: No. Angela! What are you saying?
Angela: You said you would be there for me.
Dwight: Iâm trying, but what youâre asking is--
Angela: Itâs the only thing that will make this right.
Dwight: Okay. But itâs cruel, because a woman with damaged knees canât scrub worth a damn.
Trevor: All right, then itâs settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, thereâs no turning back.
Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all youâll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while Iâm gone.
Stanley: Weâve got all afternoon to talk about that.
Waiter: Morning, folks.
Stanley: Iâll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.
Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob--
Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order.
Phyllis: How much wine do you have?
Oscar: I brought you a cookie.
Angela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. Youâre such an angel.
Oscar: [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, weâre good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- Well, I gotta go now, but-- Okay, bye. Bye.
Pete: There we go.
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie: Oooohh... you salty dog.
Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a playerâs gotta play.
Pete: There you go.
Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But Iâm gonna let them think the other thing.
Kevin: Okay, I got this one.
Nellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful
Kevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath.
Everyone: [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin!
Nellie: What did I just say? What did I just say?
Pete: Hey, hey, hey, itâs just a mistake. Just a mistake. Thatâs what this towerâs all about -- Â mistakes. Okay, if youâre afraid of screwing up, the towerâs not for you. Show of hands --- who here has never had a complaint? Thatâs right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Letâs get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?
Pete: There we go. All right, letâs do it.
Jim: You know, at the end of the day, itâs really only two days. I mean, Iâll be back in the office. Â If you need me for an emergency, call me. Â Iâll be there...
Phyllis: You know what? I donât know where the years went. Â âCause sometimes when I look at my hands, I donât even recognize them.
Jim: Tell me about it.
Phyllis: Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I donât know.
Jim: All right. You know what? Â Maybe weâll just... Weâll go slow.
Phyllis: No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate]
Pete: All right. Check it out.
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!
Kevin: Nice. Â Pretty soon, weâre gonna be at the ceiling.
Pete: Can you hand me a card?
Erin: Um,. itâs empty.
Nellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card.
Meredith: Thatâs cheating.
Pam: I could get us a complaint.
Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldnât fart on a butterfly.
Pam: No, I wouldnât. I canât even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. Iâd like to try.
Nellie: Hmm. Yeah. Â All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam...
Everyone: [chanting] âPam!â
Angela: What? Why did you call me out here?
Dwight: The target-- itâs Oscar, isnât it? He and the senator are gaying each other.
Angela: I donât know what youâre talking about.
Dwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time youâre engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.
Angela: Fine! Itâs Oscar. So what?
Dwight: Well I could understand you wanting to get a strangerâs knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend?
Angela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.
Dwight: I canât even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.
Angela: Well, you might be right. But itâs too late now.
Dwight: What do you mean?
Angela: Heâs here.
Dwight: No! No, no! [groans]
Dwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.
Dwight: Come -- come with me.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Dwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. Theyâre extraordinary.
Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.
Kevin: I am Oscar Martinez.
Angela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside.
Kevin: Wha-- wh--
Angela: You know, thereâs doughnuts in the break room.
Kevin: Nice! Yeah.
Jim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over.
Stanley: Donât be pushy Jim. Itâs tacky.
Jim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, thatâs-- thatâs decorative.
Phyllis: No, thereâs wine in here.
Jim: Still decorative.
Stanley: Is it white wine?
Phyllis: [to customer] Can you help me?
Jim: Donât-- donât-- donât pole people with knives.
Phyllis: [groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha!
Jim: Phyllis! Â Wow.
Stanley: Ooh, bring it over.
Phyllis: Got it.
Dwight: Thereâs no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.
Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you?
Dwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man whoâs the father of her child?
Oscar: I donât know what youâre talking about.
Dwight: Oh, donât lie. Iâm trying to save those precious knees youâre always bragging about. Â Now, letâs get out of here. He could be right behind us.
Dwight: Aah! Actually, heâs right in front of us.
Trevor: Letâs get it on. Iâm gonna do this. I might-- I might puke, but Iâm gonna do this.
Dwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. Heâs a Dunder-Mifflin man. Heâs my tribe.
Trevor: Iâm sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, Iâm gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues-- Stop! No!
Oscar: I got it.
Trevor: You donât-- [all three grunting]
Dwight: Donât move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others]
Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Dwight: No! No, Oscar. Heâs a friend. Heâs a friend.
Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. Theyâre family-owned, but donât let that take away from your edge!
Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.
Creed: Remember, youâre a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this.
Pam: [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. Iâm calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, âHey, kool-aid.â Yeah, your mamaâs fat. This is Pam Halpert.
Pete: Did she buy it?
Pam: Basically I couldnât tell, but I think...
Nellie: Were they angry?
Pam: I-- I thought they were confused at least...
Erin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!
Kevin: Nice. Nice.
Creed: You did good. You did good.
Pete: See ya later, Heymont.
Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend.
Oscar: What the hell, Dwight?
Dwight: See ya later, Trevor.
Oscar: you are incorrigible!
Dwight: I just saved your life. Youâre welcome!
Oscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!
Angela: You deserved every bit of it! Â You made my husband gay.
Oscar: What-- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him!
Angela: No. No.
Oscar: Angela, until you face that, youâre gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead -- I wonât stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me.
Angela: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you.
Oscar: Angela, itâs a lead freaking pipe.
Angela: God! [kicks Oscar]
Angela: You were supposed to be my friend.
Oscar: Iâm so sorry. Angela--
Pete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert...
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: For insulting a clientâs recently deceased mother.
Pam: I did not know that.
Pete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life.
Pam: Iâm so sorry.
Pete: yeah. Thatâs-- that is terrible.
Everyone: [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower]
Kevin: You did it.
Angela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.
Dwight: Youâre not stupid. Jazz is stupid.
Angela: [crying] Jazz is stupid! Â I mean, just play the right notes!
Dwight: I know. Youâre gonna be okay, Monkey.
Angela: I donât like your friend Trevor.
Dwight: I donât like him either. Â And yet I really like him.
Jim: Well, weâre here. Perfect. Â [covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket]
Phyllis: Weâre gonna cover for you, ya know.
Jim: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or--
Stanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.
Phyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.
Jim: This is hilarious, but weâre gonna stop with all--
Stanley: Shuckinâ your peas.
Jim: Shuckinâ the peas. Â You should go back to the first part, though. You are Â gonna Â cover for me?
Phyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.
Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you.
Pam: If youâre an artist, you have to be okay with the idea Â that you canât please everybody all the time.
Hide: You paint very bad--
Pam: Shut up, Hide! Â I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him-- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? Iâm okay with that.
Dwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Toby: That is-- that is a loaded question.
Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Toby: He said that?
Angela: Well, he didnât fight me hard on it.
Toby: I-- I donât know if thereâs truth to-- to, uh, to that.
Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Toby: Oh... uh...
Angela: Is it called red-vining?
Dwight: Is it called red-vining?
Toby: I donât...
Dwight: We heard it was called red-vining.
Angela: People red vine.
Dwight: Where are gay mensâ vaginas?
Toby: They donât have vaginas.
Toby: No. Theyâre just regular men.
Dwight: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other personâs penis?
Toby: Uh... wow....