Season 8 - Episode 17
"Test the Store"
Written by Mindy Kaling
Directed by Brent Forrester
Original Air Date: March 1, 2012
Transcribed by Erica
Dwight: Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR [imitating trumpet] and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine.
Ryan: Are you holding this chair?
Ryan: âcause I feel like Iâm gonna fall off.
Dwight: Yes. Yes.
Ryan: Iâm not wearing the right shoes for this.
Dwight: We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.
Erin: Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening.
Erin: Hey, my nameâs Tabitha. Iâm camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid. Psst. Itâs me Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype, and itâs working. Thereâs already people camped out behind me.
Nellie: Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think Iâm this patrician goddess. But hereâs the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, [cockney accent] I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than âŚ whatâs lower than dirt?
Dwight: Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.
Nellie: Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didnât even get a callback.
Jim: Which Spice Girl?
Nellie: The black one. I never stood a chance.
Nellie: Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey.
Dwight: Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much.
Todd Packer: Yep
Dwight: Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing â bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. Youâre gonna love âem. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a worldâs fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?
Ryan: When people see this presentation, theyâre gonna [bleep] in their pants.
Jim: Come on, man.
Cathy: Seriously disgusting.
Dwight: Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.
Cathy: Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea.
Dwight: Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid.
Todd Packer: UhâŚ
Nellie: UhâŚ that is excellent.
Todd Packer: I donât see what that gets us, but Iâm a team player.
Dwight: Perfect casting, right?
Todd Packer: Schruteâs out to get me. But Iâm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.
Nellie: I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.
Dwight: Speaking of pimples, letâs release the BLOGGERS!
Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Donât care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, itâs important. Youâve gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Kevin: Itâs not a kid on a bike. Itâs a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. Whatâs this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain whatâs going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, itâs like my life is buffering.
Andy: Hereâs what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling PamâŚ
Pam: Thatâs true.
Andy: They had, uhâŚ weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job Andy.
Kevin: Yeah [all murmuring]
Andy: I didnât do anything any of you wouldnât have done.
Dwight: Open the gates! Thereâs plenty for everyone. No need to panic. Thereâs plenty for everyone!
Man: Quit it.
Dwight: Thereâs plenty. Donât stampede. No need to stampede, sir.
Erin: I was ahead of you!
Dwight: Okay, okay. Hey, hey. Itâs gonna be fine. Itâs gonna be fine. Thereâs plenty of Pyramids.
Erin: Come on. I was in line before you.
Cathy: So youâre a blogger right?
Blogger: Yeah. Blogger.
Cathy: God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. Iâm trying to be a good girl for once.
Erin: Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I donât want to leave yet. I havenât had so much fun since seeingâŚ zoo-Ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla music festival. So fun.
Oscar: How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!
Andy: No, no, no, no, no, we donât need to call the police. Theyâll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyoneâs business, right, Pam?
Pam: Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.
Andy: And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area.
Angela: Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?
Andy: Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.
Darryl: Guys, guys. Thatâs so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7.
Phyllis: Look, I donât feel safe. I think we should call the police.
Andy: Exactly. We need to feel safe, which is whyâŚ Toby is giving us self defense training.
Andy: Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?
Toby: Yeah, um... I canât believe you remembered. I do self-defense. Um, Iâll go put on my cup.
Nellie: I wasnât really sure which one of you is Chuck.
Jim: [on phone] Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?
Blogger: Look at that guy. Heâs got his Sabre phone on, and heâs not even using it.
Blogger 2: This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.
Jim: Uh, I - I gotta go. Okay.
Nellie: Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.
Dwight: Oh, no, no, no. Itâs good. Itâs really -- on the Internet, itâs a really -- thatâs a really good, good, thing.
Dwight: Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?
Jim: Iâm very sorry.
Nellie: We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? âHello. Hi sweetie. Itâs Jim. Iâm calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape.â
Jim: Iâm really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?
Dwight: You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! Â Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.
Dwight: Point it towards the store, idiot!
Dwight: [laughs] You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over.
Dwight: Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!
Erin: We are closed! Come on.
Toby: Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Letâs try it.
Creed: [smacks Meredithâs head] [screams] [runs out]
Toby: That may have been my fault.
Meredith: What the hell, Toby?
Toby: Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, youâre not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. âItâs all about the groin.â
Andy: What if youâre being attacked by a âŚ smallish man who happens to not have a groin?
Toby: I donât think thatâs very common.
Andy: What if youâre being attacked by a 4â11â man who is penisless?
Oscar: Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?
Andy: Why donât we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.
Toby: Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female.
Andy: So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?
Toby: Itâs interesting that youâre drawn to the point of view of the attacker. Â You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... [everyone groans] written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.
Angela: Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.
Toby: All right, well, letâs try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesnât everyone stand? Okay, so... youâre being attacked. Youâve got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two.
Everyone: One, two.
Andy: [softly] Take that, kid.
Dwight: Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.
Lady Blogger: Patty Grossman. Iâm a woman.
Dwight: But you still work for Wired, right?
Dwight: Good! Okay. Flirt away.
Ryan: Sabre. Itâs time to come home.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think ...it seemed like you were a little nervous.
Ryan: Yeah, no [bleep], Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?
Dwight: Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen.
Ryan: You know what?
Dwight: You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.
Dwight: Iâm trying to make him feel important.
Ryan: God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.
Dwight: Um... [imitating Kelly] Oh, Ryan, youâre so smart. Youâre smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee.
Ryan: Youâre so ignorant. You barely know what youâre talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books.
Dwight: Whatâs a book? [giggles]
Ryan: On my God. Youâre so embarrassing. Â My mom would say the best stuff, though.
Jim: [ahem] You can... [slightly effeminate] You can do it Ryan.
Ryan: And you know that Iâm capable of this.
Jim: Youâre the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.
Ryan: What did you think of the presentation?
Jim: I thought it was great, sweetie. I would just fix that one --
Ryan: Oh! âFixâ means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink!
Dwight: Jim, get him a water.
Ryan: No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!
Dwight: Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!
Toby: Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that youâre alive.
Lady: Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?
Andy: [deep voice] I think you guys might have the wrong Office.
Girl: Thatâs him... the guy I hit.
Oscar: Youâve gotta be kidding me.
Kevin: Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?
Oscar: No, Kevin -- [sighs]
Lady: What about the lady you hit with the pine cone?
Girl: There. That chubby one.
Pam: I just had a baby.
Girl: Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your âthinâ girlfriend.
Pam: How âbout we wait til next year after you have your kid?
Lady: You know what? Tiffyâs going to college.
Andy: [deep voice] Listen, I donât know what you guys are talking about, but I guess Iâll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day.
Lady: God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye.
Kelly: So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar -- âHow to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.â
Toby: Thereâs no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me.
Kelly: No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.
Darryl: Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop.
Andy: Oh... [Kelly laughing]
Dwight: Have you seen Erin?
Stanley: Iâm on break.
Dwight: Oh God... Â Hey no! Where do you think youâre going? Youâve gotta stay for the big presentation weâve got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. Heâs like an even more handsome Bill Gates.
Blogger: Whenâs the presentation?
Dwight: Itâs moments away. Just stay here!
Ryan: [on phone] Hey Uncle Lucas, itâs your nephew Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so itâs different because itâs your wife? Â Well, that doesnât make any sense to me.
Nellie: How you doing?
Ryan: Donât talk to me right now. Iâm sorry. I- I know youâre my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face. What I donât understand is... [voice fades]
Nellie: [to Dwight] Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it.
Erin: Sorry about kicking you out. Itâs just, we donât want our brand associated with death.
Old Lady: Itâs okay. Iâll go to the Costco and search for handsome men.
Erin: Youâre not married yet?
Old Lady: [laughs] Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend. He passed away.
Erin: My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and weâre not really friends.
Old Lady: Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him!
Erin: Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband.
Old Lady: Well...
Dwight: How long has he been in the bathroom?
Jim: About ten minutes.
Dwight: Jeez! Whatâs he doing in there? [cell phone vibrates]
Jim: Oops, thatâs my phone. Am I allowed to answer it or are you gonna freak out?
Dwight: Are there any bloggers around?
Jim: Itâs Ryan. âIâm sorry. I lied. Iâm not in the bathroom. I canât do it. I need to see my mom. Iâm going home.â
Nellie: What is the delay here? Whereâs Ryan? Why is he not here?
Dwight: I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!
Dwight: Thatâs right. Will you just give us a second?
Nellie: You are gonna bloody ruin it. Youâre gonna bloody ruin it because youâre a no-good half-assed cock-eyed...
Dwight: Jim --
Jim: Iâm not doing the Presentation.
Dwight: Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. Iâm telling you... if you donât do this, [whispers] I donât stand a chance. Please, Jim.
Jim: Okay, Iâll do it.
Dwight: Oh, my God. O... Kay! Go get into Ryanâs costume and check out his notes.
Jim: A costume?
Dwight: Of course thereâs a costume! [laughs] Â Oh, this is gonna be great. Thereâs nothing like some last-minutes changes to really energize a presentation.
Dwight: Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?
Jim: Iâve been in here for 20 seconds.
Dwight: Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?
Jim: Iâm not wearing eyeliner.
Dwight: You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.
Jim: Time. Space. Gender. [Dwight mouthing words] There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that -- the only thing that remain -- the only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time -- love, values, and of course, the pyramids -- the strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. [softly] No, thatâs --
Dwight: Itâs true.
Jim: This... is the future, because... This is the past. Iâve been through a lot of issues in my life. Iâve seen drug addiction -- unemployment. Iâve been in a relationship that tore my heart apart, without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain. [scattered applause]
Jim: When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney world. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me. Â I just wanted... to go home. Â This is what the Pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world. It has a usb port. Wireless... will be available in 2013. Â You can play Anything from Chuck to Cars 2. With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything -- in time... and space.
Ryan: [image on Pyramid] Sabre... Itâs time... to come home.
Jim: All right. Â Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night! [applause continues]
Jim: Yeah. Â Thank you. Thank you.
Toby: Okay, this isnât over. Letâs stay focused, okay? Â We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but... little things can be dangerous.
Kevin: Whether itâs a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity.
Toby: Okay. Good point...
Angela: Good point? What is a tub of electricity?
Toby: I donât... I donât...
Oscar: With all due respect we know what weâre defending against: a twelve year old female bully.
Kelly: I was a twelve year old bully.
Angela: Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.
Kelly: Yeah, thatâs not a bad idea, actually, because I have had a lot of pent up aggression.
Kelly: Good. Letâs go.
Toby: I donât know if this is gonna help...Uh...
Angela: Letâs go Kelly.
Toby: We should stay to maybe some more traditional models...
Kelly: You think youâre so pretty! Â Well youâre not gonna be so pretty come Prom time!
Toby: Okay, this is whatâs called pre-violent posturing.
Kelly: Take that! Â Not so pre-violent anymore!
Toby: Okay, Iâm at whatâs called âthe decision point.â
Andy: Hey, hey, hey. Kelly Kelly, Kelly... come on.... Ow! God! My good eye!
Pam: [laughs] Oh boy. Oh no, Iâm not laughing at you. Iâm laughing at, um, something that Cece did on the playground earlier -- yesterday. This morning.
Andy: You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby. Â I stepped in and I didnât care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, âWhere were you when the girls came?â
Andy: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank a half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. Â I just feel good!
Dwight: Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it. Â We could have integrated more Chuck into the Presentation.
Nellie: Dwight. Â Youâre the vice president.
Dwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah!
Dwight: Okay! Come on!
Dwight: Hah! Yah! [kicking and punching the air] Boom!