Season 5 - Episode 09
Written by Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky
Directed by Paul Feig
Original Air Date: December 4th, 2008
Oscar: Here are our final actual costs for this year.
Michael: Mmm... okay.
Oscar: As you can see, we did pretty well, so...
Michael: Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old.
Oscar: Alright, well this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis...
Oscar: Right there.
Michael: There's the x-ax...icks.
Oscar: You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300.
Michael: Mmhmm, okay.
Oscar: But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.
Oscar: And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you nine dollars. 'Cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand.
Michael: So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus.
Oscar: We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael: [whistles poorly] Whoo.
Oscar: We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need.
Michael: Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you...
Michael: Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... [imitates drum roll] Can anybody guess?
Pam: New chairs?
Michael: No, a new copier! [only Oscar applauds] Unless everybody can agree on something better?
Oscar: No, no, please. Please do not do this.
Pam: Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year.
Michael: So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Pam: [over indistinct conversation] Good? Yeah, he said good, I'm good...
Oscar: Now listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?
Pam: Oscar, no. This is not the time for one of your principled stands.
Oscar: Pam, you make more copies than anyone.
Pam: Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.
Michael: Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one.
Stanley: I'm with Pam. Chairs.
Michael: Alright, so, teams forming.
Toby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below, we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby: You'll see.
Pam: I've talked to Meredith, Stanley and Jim about the chairs. I know they're with me on this.
Jim: Uh, actually, I'm gonna go with copier.
Pam: What? Jim.
Jim: Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel weird asking her to make copies for me. So, I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I-But you know what? Pam and I don't have to agree on everything.
Meredith: Jim, good for you, standing up to Pam like that.
Creed: The balls on you, man.
Oscar: So Michael, what do you think?
Michael: Why me?
Jim: You have to make the decision.
Michael: Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.
Andy: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute Farms...
Dwight: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left."
Andy: "Walk until you hear the beehive."
Dwight: How could it be more clear?
Angela: I think Andy makes an excellent point.
Angela: But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.
Dwight: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.
Angela: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Dwight: Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on.
Andy: Let's three-way this little issue, and come to a solution by the time we get to Schrute Farms, how's that for a plan?
Andy: We're getting married at Schrute Farms, no matter what. I have looked at twelve venues, I have lost eight deposits, and I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit.
Pam: So um, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing...
Pam: I really think you should reconsider.
Jim: Oh, Pam, I really... hate that copier.
Pam: Yeah, I know.
Pam: But I really think you should reconsider.
Jim: Beesly, are you threatening me?
Pam: Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. [whispers] But you should know, you're on very dangerous ground [kisses Jim]. [at normal volume] All right.
Jim: [shudders] Whew.
Dwight: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy: Hmm... mm, what's that smell?
Dwight: You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela: Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight: Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight: You wanna eat, don't you?
Angela: Honey, say something!
Andy: Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before?
Dwight: ...I'll consider it.
Andy: See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. [steps in manure, trying to laugh it off] ...Darn! Heh.
Dwight: There's a hose out back.
Pam: Remember, you were gonna get a new chair, and you were gonna give your old chair to me. Remember that?
Pam: Well that never happened.
Michael: I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
Oscar: I'm just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with?
Michael: Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing.
Jim: Woah, you guys going to lunch?
Jim: Mind if I join?
Michael: Ohh, God!
Jim: All right.
Jim: Let's go.
Michael: Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Jim: Let's do it.
Michael: All right! Cool!
Jim: Where we going?
Michael: I have no idea.
Pam: So, I guess that's how they're gonna play this. It is on. [very serious] It is so on.
Pam: Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings, and only one chair?
Oscar: [laughing uproariously with Michael and Jim] Stop it! Michael.
Jim: Michael, that is hilarious.
Michael: [through the laughter] Oh, is somebody making fun of me?
Oscar: The best. Great friends. Thank you, Michael. [all three are still laughing]
Jim: Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings.
Pam: That's cool. [opens the container and smells the tiramisu] Mm, good stuff. [throws it in the garbage]
Jim: You look really pretty.
Pam: Thank you. [goes to Michael's office and knocks on the door]
Michael: Oh, hey.
Pam: You got a second?
Michael: I do.
Pam: Oh, good.
Pam: Oh, that must've been so fun.
Michael: it was fun. We had a good time.
Pam: Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Pam: Yeah, is that a new tie?
Michael: Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars.
Pam: That is amazing!
Michael: You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.
Michael: Nine dollars. The boys' department.
Michael: Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Pam: [applauding] No way!
Michael: Look at that. [begins dancing] Unh. Unh-unh.
Pam: Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier.
Michael: Yes they were.
Michael: They were.
Pam: Here's what I was thinking: everyone sits on a chair every day...
Pam: But not everyone...
Michael: Sits on a copier.
Pam: Or even uses the copier every day.
Pam: Yeah, right?
Michael: Very valid.
Pam: ...That's it. [giggles]
Michael: All right.
Pam: All right, see you later...
Michael: See ya.
Pam: Hot tie guy.
Michael: [laughs] Hahaha!... well...
Dwight: Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Angela: No. I haven't thought of it.
Dwight: Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.
Angela: I would like cat.
Dwight: Cats don't make butter.
Angela: I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat.
Dwight: It doesn't make any sense.
Angela: Yes it does!
Andy: Okay, guys!
Angela: I want a butter sculpture of a cat!
Dwight: Cow, goat or sheep.
Andy: What is this? All right, we're all on the same team. Is it- [steps in manure] Damn! Why is that in the kitchen?!
Jim: [Pam is making copies and is struggling with the machine] You might want to consider changing teams, because we would-we would love to have you.
Pam: No, copier's great.
Pam: Yeah. I have my copies. [holds up messed up copies]
Jim: There they are.
Pam: And I have my original. [holds up original paper, ripped in half]
Jim: You got it.
Pam: So suck it.
Kevin: Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay.
Michael: Oh, thank you my dear.
Kelly: Wait, Michael! Let me open the door for you.
Michael: Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay...
Stanley: There he is!
Michael: There he is! Hello, hello!
Michael: Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.
Michael: Mm! [gives Jim a high five] Yeah!
Pam: There's that ass!
Michael: Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!
Pam: Woo! Yeah. Aw, don't take it away!
Michael: Oh... ah, I almost choked.
Dwight: Here's another place.
Angela: It's beautiful.
Dwight: So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.
Andy: [whistling Pachelbel's "Canon in D;" switches to singing then back to whistling]
Angela: [to minister] Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and-
Andy: I'm Andy.
Angela: I work with Dwight.
Dwight: He doesn't understand a word you're saying.
Dwight: Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... [speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German] And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, "I do." [Andy mouths, "I do" silently] And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...
Angela: I do.
Dwight: And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.
Hank: Got a call about a problem up here.
Pam: Did somebody call Hank?
Michael: Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.
Hank: So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs.
Michael: Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. [Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar] Yeah, take as many as you want.
Hank: Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here.
Hank: So what are we talking about?
Michael: Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-
Hank: I know what a surplus is.
Michael: Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.
Hank: Is that the copier?
Michael: It is, yes.
Hank: [inspects the copier] Hmm.
Hank: I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.
Pam: You can try mine.
Michael: Oh, there we go.
Hank: Hmm, not much lumbar support.
Michael: Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.
Hank: On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do.
Michael: So, the copier.
Hank: Well, let me finish.
Michael: All right, yes.
Hank: Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.
Michael: Well, what should I do?
Hank: ...Let me see the copier again.
Michael: All right, get out. Get out.
Angela: Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.
Dwight: I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.
Angela: What do you mean?
Dwight: Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, "I do." And I said, "I do." And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.
Angela: Dwight! That doesn't count!
Dwight: Yes, of course it does.
Angela: No, it doesn't!
Dwight: It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
Angela: I didn't-
Dwight: Haha, Mrs. Schrute.
Angela: We are not married.
Angela: Take this thing. [takes off twine ring]
Dwight: My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!
Andy: Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? [Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball] Ow!
David: [on speakerphone] Michael.
Michael: Hey David- [begins coughing violently] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.
David: Is this why you're calling me?
Michael: No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- [coughs again] I'm sorry.
Michael: Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different.
David: You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?
Michael: No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.
David: Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus.
Michael: The what now?
David: Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.
Michael: ...Like a tip? [calculates amount] $645?!
Michael: I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.
Jim: [on the phone] We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you.
Michael: All right, attention everyone.
Jim: Let me call you right back. Okay.
Michael: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... [puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass] working perfectly.
Oscar: That's the original.
Michael: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sits in Pam's chair] Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. [slowly sinking into the chair] Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? [the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk] They don't have copiers. They don't even- [struggles to get up from Pam's chair] Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing.
Oscar: Do you know?
Michael: Do I know what?
Oscar: I think you know.
Michael: Mm, no...
Phyllis: Know what?
Pam: Yeah, know what?
Oscar: Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?
Kevin: Michael's a genius.
Oscar: Why'd you say dollars?
Michael: Because that is how my mind works.
Oscar: What's 15% of 200? [Michael doesn't answer] Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus.
Jim: Wait, what?
Pam: You can do that?
Kevin: Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?
Michael: Let's see...
Pam: You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?
Michael: I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less.
Oscar: You're gonna get us a copier then?
Michael: This is so stupid.
Pam: Or chairs?
Michael: This is so, so stupid. And, God... [looks at his watch] that's my phone.
Stanley: I didn't hear a phone.
Michael: To be continued!
Michael: No, I don't-this doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.
Andy: Hey Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you. [Angela walks over to Andy] What-
Angela: [kisses Andy passionately in his chair] Now, I have to take care of a legal issue.
Andy: Was that hot or what?
Pam: So what's it gonna be?
Oscar: Michael, you have to make a decision. The day is almost done.
Pam: Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me.
Oscar: You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing.
Michael: [groans in frustration] You think it's easy?
Stanley: It's your job.
Michael: Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?
Michael: It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- [Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen] Hey.
Oscar: Hey, we're going with the chairs.
Oscar: I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.
Pam: Thanks Michael.
Michael: Good work. I'm proud of you. [Pam and Oscar leave] Mother-
Michael: [wearing a fur coat] What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, [camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat] you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.
Pam: Yeah, I guess, since I won.
Jim: Yeah, you did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. [begins to walk away, then turns back] Totally kidding. [leans in, whispers] I'm gonna need four. [kisses Pam]